“Caris, Remember Me”
I looked at her and it was an instant shock wave that went through my whole body. I thought within me this must be a bad dream; no a nightmare! I tried to avoid her eyes, those doe innocent dreamy eyes of hers. That look of hers only willing the intensity I already felt for her. The enormous passion we felt the first time and she cried afterwards. At the time, I didn’t know why. Her heart was divided into two separate lives that would ruin all of us. Once it started, we, I couldn’t let go, no matter what was to come.
I remember our first time like yesterday. I arrived first. I looked out at the city as I breathed one deep breath. She had constantly been on my mind. I took off my suit jacket and laid it on the empty chair. I undid my tie and unbuttoned my shirt. I heard a knock at the door and I opened it. There she was. Those luminous crystal blue eyes, her porcelain skin. She hardly wore any makeup. She walked in and as I turned toward her I immediately took her in my arms. She put her arms around my shoulders. We had a soft passionate kiss.
In a barely audible soft voice she said. “Hello, I’m glad you were here first”
I said, “I’m so glad you came and didn’t change your mind.”
“I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. It feels so good to be in your arms.” She said.
“I feel the same. I had a marvelous time with you when we ate dinner that last Friday. I couldn’t stop thinking about you afterwords. As a matter of fact I didn’t get much sleep that night.”
“I know, neither did I.” She said.
She slipped off her heels. I looked at her beautiful feet and toes. Tiny toes. I took off my shirt sat on the bed. She came to me and turned around for me to unzip her sleeveless black dress. She stood there and I knew she wanted me to undo her black bra and I did. She slipped out of the black dress the bra fell to the floor. She wasn’t wearing panties. God her breasts were beautiful. She was beautiful. I started to get hard immediately. I stood and she unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. Her hands slipped of my boxers and there I was fully exposed to her; achingly hard. She looked up at me and sighed Mmmm. Like a kitten she put her face on my chest. I picked her up and laid her on the bed.
My hand on the contours of her sweet succulent breasts. I pulled her close to me, my mouth on her nipples tasting the sweetness of her skin. Her hard nipples in my mouth as I swirled my tongue and she groaned and sighed as if she was as pure as I wanted her to be. My hands feeling her sensuous curves grabbing her buttocks. I couldn’t get enough of her. I got on top of her and I inserted my erection slowly inside of her. She gasped and groaned magically to my ears. We kissed softly until our connected bodies started the momentum that felt so natural. She was in my skin and in my psyche for the rest of my life. I knew that the minute I wanted to take care of her and make her mine. Then she said
“Let me taste you.”
With her velvet tongue on my throbbing erection. Oh I groaned deep and hard as she sucked me unbelievably fantastic.
“Oh Caris, my beautiful angel.”
Before I knew it I turned her over and I inserted myself harder and she gasped for more. Her arms were raised and I held on to them with one hand and we proceeded to climax; she first then me.
Six months later I walked into the icy needles of a cold shower. Then I turned it as hot as I could stand it, placing my hands on the tile while the steam opened my pores. I missed her already, desparately. I couldn’t believe what we were thrown into. I never wanted to think of letting her go. I had already fantasized how this would all end. Miranda and I were running on fumes, we couldn’t jump start are marriage or maybe I wanted to tell myself that to justify now my very craving to have and to hold onto Caris. But Miranda and I both knew this place of only existence. We just continued to play to the humdrum of our life that had come to a slow and uneventful place. Neither one of us trying to save what we had for so many years. But she loved me and she always would. Now the kids were grown and gone. Robert the oldest was starting a new life.
As he was in the shower I got up to make the coffee and make cinnamon raisin toast; his favorite. I didn’t know what was bothering Stuart but I always sensed it. He would hold on to it for as long as he could, then burst as if the world was ending. I remained nurturing at my expense of hiding all my feelings. Oh sure, he would occasionally ask what was bothering me but he never let me finish, always bringing up how good we had it. Our life didn’t lack for anything but to be eternally grateful for our good fortune. Stuart worked so hard for our company to afford us this beautiful lifestyle.
“Well good morning darling how are we this morning”.
“Bright and cheerful. How are you feeling? I’ve made some cinnamon raisin toast and a poached egg for you.”
“Thank you sweetheart.”
With a coffee mug in her hand and her other arm hugging her waistline she looked at him still in love with him, titling her head and smiling.
“How does your schedule look for today?”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Well, I’m going into city to meet with Sabrina and help her get more situated in the new apartment. Then I was going to do a little shopping hoping we could have dinner.”
While his back was to Miranda he felt the pressure and disappointment of having to change his plans not to be with Caris. There’s where the aching was mounting.
Miranda noticed his reticence. He’s slight hesitation of not being only to happy to have dinner with his wife. She would wait for his answer.
“Well, I was going to have dinner with Steven and the new counsel we brought on board just to tie loose ends with the merger.”
“Oh well, we can do it another time. I know how much this means to you. Not to mention I probably will get tired enough hanging around with Sabrina and Kate for at least three hours. Well, we’ll do it next week, you let me know when your schedule is free.”
“I’m sorry darling, your disappointed, aren’t you?”
“No, absolutely not we’ve got the rest of our lives for many more lunches and dinners that always make me feel so cherished and loved by you.”
Going over to Stuart and hugging him around his waist, looking up at him.
She admired how handsome he looked with age. His eyes were so full of love and comfort to her. He always made her feel safe. But this time there was something holding him back.
He had coffee on one hand and cinnamon bread in the other, smiling down at her and feeling just an inkling of how he loved Miranda’s warmth. She was absolutely lovely at 55.
“Good Day Sir.” Jeffrey opening the back door of the the new Mercedes.
“Thank you Jeffrey.”
He waived to Miranda as she was taking in the morning sun on her face smelling the rose garden. She smiled and waved back. She looked content and that felt like a dagger jabbed inside of him. Not to mention Sabrina and Kate. The complication of life was mounting; suffocating him. He breathed only in those moments with Caris. Knowing he had brought all this into their lives. He had the choice, but his selfishness and temptation caught him completely off guard when he met Caris. She was much more than a vision. She was what many men wanted to taste and he having the good fortune and complete satisfaction to be this man. As Caris said, “Your the man in my life and I adore you”. What if he did let go of her and remain suffering, thinking of her for the rest of his life. Constantly looking for her in the city, trying to read the stock market projections and there she was, as she is now, wondering off to all they had already shared. The only consolation was that he would still have his dreams of her. No one could take that away.
As we drove in I wasn’t going to have a private conversation with Caris while Jeffrey was at the wheel driving me into the city. I just counted the minutes which seemed like hours. I didn’t sleep, but I gather neither did she. Jeffrey made small talk about his brother who worked on a fishing vessel out at sea. I could hardly concentrate on the story, but just watched through the window as we were coming into the city.
The glare on the window reflecting his pensive thoughts of turmoil and facing the kolapsia of surreptitious dreams.
I came into the office as hurriedly as I could. Christ, I don’t even remember saying good morning to anyone. As I swiftly went by Jane’s desk I asked her to hold all my calls until I was finished. Jane knew her job efficiently and she was like a guard guarding the King. Though I didn’t feel much like a king this morning.
I didn’t call her from my cell phone. I didn’t want any interruption like losing the cell phone connection in our most portentous conversation we would have since we started our clandestine affair.
The phone kept ringing. Then Caris finally answered.
“Caris!” said Stuart
“I’m so sorry Stuart I never meant for this to happen. I had no idea of knowing who you really were.”
“I know you didn’t know. I could see it in your eyes. The shock!”
“What are we going to do?” asked Caris.
“I have absolutely know idea my darling. I guess my next question, is how to do feel about him.”
Stuart willing with his heart and mind Caris would pick him.
“I had been only been dating Robert for six months and then I met you. I was confused. Everything was going well and then we met. I knew you were married and I didn’t want to put any more unnecessary burden on you and your life. I suppose, I assumed that you would never leave your wife for me Stuart and then Robert asked me to marry him.”
“I can certainly understand all that Caris. How stupid of me to think you were all mine. I had thought about leaving Miranda for us.”
“What are we going to do Stuart?”
Stuart ran his right hand through his hair. Looking out through the window all grey looking greyer.
“I don’t know Caris. This is an awfully hard choice, not only for me but I think more for you and I don’t think any of us will come out without being scathed and maybe even damaged.”
“If I walk away from you and Robert that’ll save you and him.”
“You think so? Not the way I saw him treat you. He’s obviously completely in love with you.”
“You mean more than you are!”
It’s the first time Stuart had heard Caris challenge him.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I worded it wrong. All I’m saying is I would do what I have to do for you and Robert. If it makes it easier for you to think about it. I’m not turning away Caris.”
Just the words she needed to hear and catch her breath and sink into sadness, desperation because the choice in her heart didn’t agree with her mind.
“Yes I need time. I don’t want to say anymore until I’m exactly sure.”
“Then I’ll wait.”
That night after working late. Stuart finally decided to go home. Leaving the city, where Caris remained , felt painful and abandoned. Something he hadn’t felt for years.
“Christ”, Stuart said out loud as he undid his tie. He felt as if it was choking him.